10 Rules for Respect

I came across these guidelines for our common life several years ago, and I thought it would be helpful to share how I approach our communication together.

These 10 Rules for Respect are adapted from Greg Rickel, Bishop of the Diocese of Olympia, who adapted them from an article by Church of the Nazarene pastor Charles Christian.

I vow to do my best to follow them, and invite you to do the same. We will all fail, but through gentle challenge and loving encouragement these can become a foundation for healthy communication for us all.

God’s peace,
Elizabeth

1. If you have a problem with me, come to me (privately).
   If I said something that upset or hurt you, please offer me the chance to repair our relationship. I can’t address something I don’t know about.
2. If I have a problem with you, I will come to you (privately).
3. If someone has a problem with me and comes to you, send them to me (I’ll do the same for you).
4. If someone consistently will not come to me, say, “Let’s go to Elizabeth together. I am sure she will see us about this.” (I will do the same for you.)
5. Be careful how you interpret me – I would rather do that. On matters that are unclear, do not feel pressured to interpret my feelings or thoughts. It is easy to misinterpret intentions. Assume the best of me and ask if you have questions about my intentions.
6. I will be careful how I interpret you. I will assume the best of you and ask if I have questions about your intentions.
7. If it’s confidential, don’t tell. If you or anyone comes to me in confidence, I won’t tell unless a) the person is going to harm himself/herself, b) the person is going to physically harm someone else, c) a child or senior has been physically or sexually abused. I expect the same from you.
8. I do not read unsigned letters or notes.
9. I do not manipulate; I will not be manipulated; do not let others manipulate you. Do not let others manipulate me through you. I will not preach “at you.” I will leave conviction to the Holy Spirit (she does it better anyway!) If someone encourages you to do or say something on their behalf, challenge them to speak for themselves; do not shield them from either the responsibility or consequences of their sentiments or actions.
10. When in doubt, just say it. The only dumb questions are those that don’t get asked. At the end of the day, our relationships with one another are the most important thing, and genuine relationships require listening and growth. If you have a concern, pray, and then, if led by the Spirit, speak up. If I can answer your questions without misrepresenting something, someone, or breaking a confidence, I will.

…and a bonus rule!

11. Pray for one another. That’s not just a throwaway line. Lifting one another to God in prayer is how we learn, slowly and sometimes painfully, but ultimately joyfully, to see each other with God’s eyes, hear each other with God’s ears and love each other with God’s heart. My holding you in prayer will always include me asking God to love you through me. Pray that for me and for one another.